Absurdly Apolaustic
by Hidden Firecracker
Summary: Bella had all night to plot how to seduce Edward, but came up with no plans. Any plan she might have had got returned to China or eaten by Jasper. Alice was certainly no help – or maybe she was the cause of it all. Set during Eclipse.


A/N: A huge thanks to my beta **The Romanticidal Edwardian**! If you haven't already, stop by and read her amazingly creative and well-written stories.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own and did not create any of the Twilight characters. This is all borrowed from Stephenie Meyer, and treated with respect.

**Apolaustic **means wholly devoted to seeking enjoyment, which can refer to Bella's state of being in this story, or to my apolaustic experience writing this. Enjoy!

* * *

This is the situation in a cold hard nutshell: 1. Cullens don't indulge in that sweet nectar known as a good stiff drink. 2. Edward refuses to lose any sort of control in my presence. And 3. He would only be too seducibleif he would pull his metaphorical fangs out of his…er…yeah, and just give into venomous hormones like any other man boy would do.

"How much did you drink? I had enough ingredients for a small frat party!" Hmm…short with dark tufts of hair. Definitely Alice speaking.

"I love Edweeerd," I sighed. I could happily livethe remainder of my hopefully short human life as a bohemian revolutionary. I was done with my worries and Alice provided me a new perspective over my impasse with Edward. My deadlock with life. Human life.

"Bella, I had over thirty bottles of the stuff made! There are three empty bottles on the floor, one in the trash can – and we recycle by the way – and one half empty bottle in your hand. There are only ten left in the cabinet and I shudder to think what you did with the rest of them!" Alice should be a bohemian revolutionary with me. I'm sure bohemians recycle, hence the revolution. If only she could know!

What do vampires recycle, exactly?

"Look Alice! I made visual aids for Major Jasper. These bottles over here are us, er, uh, you guys." It should include me…

A row of full homemade Sangria bottles stood at attention.

"When I put little black capes on the bottle necks and glued goggle eyes and white fangs on each bottle, I didn't intend for this."

"That's the point of Sangria, my Alice friend. I am not making choices right now so you have no clue what I'll decide to do next. But tell me what you think of the werewolf army?"

A row of empty brandy and triple sec bottles stood in clumps of three, arranged behind the impressive vampire bottle army.

"This one is Edward, this one is you, and this bottle is Jake," I said pointing to the appropriate bottles.

"And let me guess, these empty wine bottles are the newborn army?"

"Yes Alice! You understand! Now you can explain to Jasper and I can seduce Edward." I was pleased that my army visual made sense to someone besides myself.

Alice knew what I was thinking two hours previous to all loss of sobriety. She was the one who had the ingredients waiting for me in Esme's kitchen. Red wine, chopped fruit, honey, brandy, and triple sec. Sangria - my own sweet nectar. A delicious indulgence I never knew I wanted, but I now know would aid in all means of loss of control as well as boost my seducible powers.

She helped me mix it all together, bottle the results, then dress the bottles up like little vampire bottle dolls. No wonder I couldn't resist a small sample. What would vampires do with Sangria? Probably try to analyze the pretty colors it made by holding a glass up to the window on a sunny day and watch the reflected light go all over the ridiculously white walls. What would a clumsy human girl do with it? Something less ridiculous than a vampire would think of.

See, in the past two hours, I've come to an understanding: it's okay for people in the middle of a mystical creature soap opera to drink their sanity away. I definitely fit that description. Plus if Edward insists on holding me hostage in his family's house, then I will defile the very purity of said house by committing the one thing, _one thing_, that those vampires could not do – drink large quantities of Sangria.

A blood by any other name would be just as sweet. My vampire chose mountain lion over human. I chose Sangria over a state of controllable consciousness. If Edward had reservations about turning me into one of his kind, then I would take matters into my own hands. I would get the creative juices flowing, so to speak. I can drink blood too.

Back to the three things in the cold hard nutshell. I have one up on the Cullens! A good stiff drink in the bloodstream – which by the way, my boyfriend doesn't want to get into my pants; he'd rather get into my bloodstream. All I haveto do now is pull Edward's figurative fangs out of his ass and persuade him to truly see where his priorities should lie.

"Oh man boy, I want your ass," I sighed. Did I really just say that out loud? If I did Edward would be saying to me, _silly Bella._ But I didn't hear any such thing from him. Instead, I heard:

"Did Bella really just say that?" Laughter in the form of guffaws could only mean Emmett.

"Bella really did. She also made a diorama of our upcoming exploits with the newborn army of Seattle. Come and I'll show you which bottle you represent!" Alice replied enthusiastically.

"Join the revolution!" I called back to her, glad she understood.

"If by _man boy_ you mean Edward, than I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he is out hunting. That's why you're here tonight," Rosalie said indifferently as she walked out over the rainbow, or wherever she goes when she walks in tall shoes and disapproves of my life ambitions. Poor girl thought she had it worse than I did, but I'd help her out of her misery. I'd drink the vampire bottle of Sangria that would have been her in the army line up.

"Wait Rosalie, I need your expertise. Is there anyway to outsmart Edward?" Now why that came out of my mouth, I'll never know.

"You think you can outsmart him?" She yelled from over the rainbow. If I yelled back that it was an important part of my established mission plan, would she mock me for eternity? Best not risk it.

"Bella wants to surprise him and seduce him. He needs a little bit of both in his life," Alice sang in three part harmony.

Subtle, great.

"Yeah, he does," Rosalie called. At least she didn't fling tall shoes at me.

Meanwhile I could hear the sounds of laughter and bottles clinking coming from the kitchen. Major Jasper must be laying out the battle plans. Good for him, I say.

Well if Rosalie wasn't going to tutor me in the ways of vampire kama sutra, and the other vampires were studying military tactics via my clever idea, then I would do the only thing left to do. Feed my man boy.

Every girl knows that the way into a man boy's heart is through their stomach. Every human girl stuck in a twisted mythical tragedy knows that man boys don't technically eat - they drink, so there would have to be ways around that stomach thing. I would have to somehow "cook" for him. So I did. And in a snap decision I perused the on line take out menu for vampires.

"Bella, what an incredibly unique and insane thing to do!" Alice's laughter rang from the kitchen.

"I'm just ordering Edward take out so we could have a dinner date together!"

"What exactly does that mean?" I heard a gentle voice call, also from the kitchen.

Alice led a line of Edward's curious brothers, sisters, and mother out of the kitchen and to the living room where she ordered them to plop down on the sofa. She could have been in the army. That's probably how she and Jasper understand each other so well, but she would have been higher ranked than Jasper. An admiral maybe, in charge of a whole fleet of fashion victims.

"Vampire take out. I ordered it for all of you, to return the generosity you have shown me. I picked a Chinese food theme. I ordered appetizers, main course, dessert, even a vegetarian option. Of course I ordered Edward a Chinese mountain cat, but do you think that will be close enough to a mountain lion? I've never really heard of a mountain cat before."

"Chinese vampire take out?"

"Yes! I wasn't sure what all of your favorites are, so I got you a buffet. But you haveto promise to save the mountain cat for Edward. I ordered Jerboas, Hainan Hares, and Eurasian Lynxes for appetizers; Snow Leopards, South China Tigers, a Blue Bear for Emmett, and some Indochinese Tigers for the main course; Chinese Crocodile Lizards in case anyone is opposed to furry meat, and then of course seven Giant Pandas for dessert."

"Bella! You can't just order us seven Giant Pandas! They're endangered!" Alice cried, aghast.

"I forgot you joined the bohemian revolution," I mumbled in apology.

"What?"

"Alice, that's hardly the problem…Bella ordered us an exotic Chinese zoo!" Rosalie said in her best "I'm Rosalie Hale" voice.

"What? Did I do it wrong? I wasn't sure how much the average vampire ate, seeing as Edward excludes me on his hunts. Did I order too much? Is the fun in the chase? When the meal arrives I'll set it all loose in the forest and you can all do your vampire thing. I'll sit here and eat my Egg Rolls, Wonton Soup, Kung Pao Chicken, and Chocolate Cake. If you guys could be so kind as to catch your appetizers first, then main course, then dessert, it'd feel like we were all eating dinner together. Sort of."

Blank stares.

Speechless Alice.

Stunned Rosalie.

Smirking Emmett.

Intrigued Jasper. (Must be the vampire army of Sangria bottles.)

Amused Esme.

Absolute quiet in the Cullen house. A human could even hear a pin drop. I think I might have. Oh wait, that was my imagination. Why did Edward ever think kidnapping me would be productive?

"Well I for one am touched by my future sister's gesture," Emmett said. I knew I always liked him.

"Where did you find our Chinese meal?" Esme asked.

"The internet." Duh.

"And how are you going to pay for our dinner?" Esme – the voice of Cullen reason. In Carlisle's absence, that is.

"Money I should have used shopping with Alice." Did I say things out loud again? Damn Sangria talking for me again. Anyways, I thought spending Alice's shopping money this way was pure genius and still technically, shopping.

"Well you can't argue with that." I always knew I liked Jasper, too.

"Bella, dear, we are very grateful that you wanted to cook us dinner, but I think we might have to return your purchases for now. Such a large exotic dinner might look suspicious while we are trying to keep a low profile," Esme said gently, giving me a knowing wink. I liked being in on the family know.

"I understand," I said solemnly, returning the wink to Esme. "But can Edward keep his mountain cat?"

"We'll see dear, and we'll make sure to reimburse you that money so you can go shopping with Alice some other time."

"For clothes, silly, not culinary delicacies," Alice teased.

"Oh, I _need_ to get some Edward now," I moaned as I rushed to the kitchen in search of my heart's desire: the Sangria bottle in the front row center of the vampire line that I had designated as Edward. Funny how the Cullens' bottles all stood in a line, but the werewolf and newborn bottles all lay haphazardly on top of each other in one big pile with a stack of matches stuck in the middle.

"I like Sangria Bella, maybe we can convince Edward to keep her like this," I heard Emmett say from the other room.

"I'm drinking Edward, his sweet liquid flows in my veins," I called back, peacefully as I flitted and floated back to the living room. I was channeling my inner Alice.

"Oh good lord, she really is sucking down Edward."

"It's a stupid bottle dressed like a kindergarten vampire project."

"At an alarming rate."

"She told me that bottle was Edward."

"If she even could out smart Edward to seduce him, what would she do after that?"

"They'd probably whisper each other's names and stare intensely into their eyes for a couple of minutes, then one would fall asleep while the other ate mountain cat."

"Something tells me Sangria Bella would be more assertive."

"Less klutzy."

"A definite plus."

"I like the klutz!"

"More creative."

"Does my bottle make my hips look big?"

"What makes you think that is your bottle?"

"The bottles are all clones!"

"Bella can tell them apart."

"Look, those two bottles are making out."

"Must be Rosalie and Emmett."

"How are they making out?"

"Take those bottles back to the kitchen!"

"Bite me."

"Me too," I chimed in, not really following the conversation, nor caring what was going on. Just wanting a bite, a single bite, so I could stop drinking Edward and start drinking moose, or bears, or woodland creatures.

"How many woodland creatures would one have to consume to constitute a full meal?" I couldn't help but ask. Definitely the bottle of Edward talking.

"Honey, I will personally take you out to devastate the squirrel population, and then some," someone really nice said.

"Oh Esme! You treat me like a daughter and I love your son, but I hate his big bed," I said, turning toward her, all thoughts of tiny savaging animals forgotten.

"Is that what the kids call it now a days?" I ignored that. Hating big beds only had one meaning.

"What was he possibly thinking, getting us that bed if all he is going to do is have Alice kidnap me? Then I say now to Edward – Get thee to a nun'ry! I'd bite my thumb at him in hopes that he might bite me sooner."

"Here, here Bella! Let's have all the humans toast to that sentiment," Emmett agreed with me.

"A toast, then, for me, because Edward has made me the only human in the room."

"Hey Bella, I pose a very philosophical question to you: Why is it a bad thing to tell a vampire to get a life?" What was Emmett talking about? Emmett a philosopher? I thought Jasper picked that particular poison?

"Because if you're a Cullen, you already have the mother of all existences?" I thought that sounded like an acceptable answer.

"No! Because if you tell them to get _a life_, they might take yours!"

"Emmett, that's the whole point, but I don't think that Edward would be _taking_ my life, I think he would be giving me birth to a new one, a better one. Why can't he see that?" I asked miserably, taking another swig of the Edward.

"I think, Bella, that you should switch from the bottle of Edward to some water and go up to that spacious bed that you will one day appreciate more than you can ever know," Alice said, winking at me. I guess as a hopefully future Cullen, that I would have to learn how to wink. They all did it all the time.

Yeah, maybe she had a point, though.

"Alice, I'd like to find a knight in shining armor suit for Edward. Do you know where I can spend my shopping money on one?" I asked politely, as she handed me a thirty ounce jug of water.

"I'd never figure you the kind to voluntarily play the damsel in distress, or embark on tasteless role playing scenarios. I could give you several better suggestions, as could Rosalie," Alice responded.

"Who said anything about playing the damsel in distress? No, I want to be the horse."

"There are better ways to get him to ride you."

"I'd get a real horse, but someone would probably eat him for breakfast."

"Only if it were a fat horse."

"Naturally, more meat."

"No, richer blood flow."

"I don't want to be the horse so Edward can ride me, I want to be the horse so Edward will have to give in and let me be in control of where he goes, because we all know that Edward will not lose control around me and I have to work around that little fact."

"It's an inspired idea. We'll just get you a horse costume sans reins."

"Thank you," I said. "Alice, I had three nutshells to crack tonight and I'm afraid I've only cracked one. I got the Sangria, but I still haven't gotten Edward to lose control or the chance to seduce him."

"I could ask Jasper to help on both accounts."

"The Major might eat my horse."

"Something like that."

Edward once told me that he spent our first Biology class together plotting hundreds of devious ways to kill me, seduce me, incapacitate me, and otherwise find a way into my bloodstream. Biology class was maybe an hour give or take. I, on the other hand, had all night to plot and I came up with no plans. Any plan I might have had got returned to China or eaten by Jasper.

"Alice, the day we studied the body and hormones and such in Biology - was it a particularly sunny day?"

"No Bella, I don't believe Edward missed that day of class. Even if he did, he would have caught the dirty details at some point between 1901 and now."

"Just making sure."

I could tell I was nodding off now and I knew Alice could tell it too. My evening was rapidly deteriorating. She ordered me to go up to that stupid big bed. Admiral Alice in charge of her fleet of hopelessly good smelling humans.

* * * * * *

I felt shifting, and a hand, and a real Edward – not the bottle man.

"I'm going to seduce you," I muttered, to the dulcet tones of that familiar chuckling.

"And I await the seduction," the man boy said.

* * * * * *

The bed was really better than the nightmare I thought it to be.

"I ordered you mountain cat, and I hope you enjoy your take out food."

"Really?"

"Consider it seduction food."

"I can already taste it on my lips."

* * * * * *

I felt stiff, dry, and Edward beside me.

"I am still waiting for you to seduce me, but you keep falling asleep."

"Say what you will Cullen, but I had a long night of imprisonment to think about this."

"Emmett and Jasper set a kitchen fire. Anything I should know about?"

"Should I know what vampires recycle?"

"Human stuff we keep around for humans. I heard about your night," he chuckled.

"Then I guess you know that my ideas of how to seduce you were all in vain," I moaned into the pillow.

"Silly Bella, if you only knew what power you have over me. You've already seduced me several times over. But we have a deal and that gives me time to prepare mentally for you. I want to keep you forever, I don't want to damage you," he said with a wink. Again with the Cullen winks. I was about to excuse myself for a human moment when I felt his gentle hand on my arm.

"But I'm most flattered that you want my ass." Did he really just say that? Oh. Oh! I _really_ said that last night.

"Don't tempt your luck," I muttered trying to make my escape.

"But Bella," he whispered behind me. "Many waters can not quench love, neither can the floods drown it. We have an eternity together and I'd like to savor every moment with you. I'll have my metaphorical fangs out of my ass sooner than you know it."

"Ugh! A sweet moment ruined by that! At least you have eternity to make it up to me."

"And I won't waste one minute of that eternity."

"Smooth. Now I'm going to brush my morning breath away and be human for a moment. But if you must know, Emmett and Jasper must have burned some werewolves and newborns. Hopefully you Cullens are still standing – I might need to consume one of you the next time you decide to have Alice hold me hostage here."

"What?"

He obviously was not informed about every humiliating aspect of last night.

"It's a rather dull story that I might tell you sometime between now and eternity, but definitely not right now!"

The End

(But not for Edward and Bella who have an eternity for hunting small game, mastering the art of seduction, and playing tasteless role playing games.)

* * *

A/N: _Many waters can not quench love, neither can the floods drown it _is a quote by Madeleine L'Engle, a quote which I neither own nor take any credit for.

Thank you for reading!!!


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